An unknown man sits in the menacing glow of his open laptop. We know he’s a man of class as he sips espressos and martinis. Only a man of refined taste would indulge in such decadent beverages. Other than these small details he’s a man of mystery. We only hear his fake accent, taunting his victim on the other end of the phone line. This victim? Brent Magna (Ethan Hawke) and his day is about to go from bad… to worse.
Not too long ago, Brent and his wife moved to Sofia, Bulgaria in an effort to leave his old life behind. It was a life that began as a race car driver before he “washed out” and turned to a life of crime, a life he isn’t at all proud of. However, his skills as a driver will be put to the test once again as he comes home to find his house trashed and his wife missing. Christmas ornaments crunch under his feet, the tree is toppled over and blood stains the floor. What happened here?
Ring. Ring.
It’s his cell phone. That voice! It’s a voice Brent can’t place and it’s telling him to go steal an armored Shelby Mustang and drive it around town. “Turn right”, “turn left”, “turn right”, “TURN LEFT!!!!” the voice commands. He’s either a madman or someone has performed the ultimate GPS navigation hack! But what’s his game?
The voice tells Brent if he ever wishes to see his wife again he’s going to have to do exactly as he says, and thus begins Getaway, another title to add to the pile of contenders for the worst movie of the year.
As much as today’s movies seem to be mimicking the destructive, play-along nature of video games, Getaway is the latest installment in a form of filmmaking that needs to end before any more audiences are needlessly injured by their stupidity. I can’t tell what would inspire any producer to hand money over to make this film. I can’t tell why Ethan Hawke would agree to make it and I can’t imagine John Voight (playing the voice on the other end of the line) could have been on set for more than five days to play his role in this atrocity.
Even if you’re willing to overlook the slipshod nature of the storytelling and the constant flashbacks and cuts to gear shifting and pedal mashing, you’ll wonder what the purpose of it all is. You’ll wonder why an armored car is trying to avoid men on motorcycles with Uzis rather than bump them off the road. They’re motorcycles Brent and you’re in an armored car!
Then we bring Selena Gomez into the picture as the owner of the car Brent has “stolen” and when she isn’t mouthing off without thinking we get a brief backstory where we learn she’s the daughter of a wealthy investment banker. Oh, wonder if that’s going to come back up later?
What we don’t find out until she starts showing off, is that she customized the car Brent is currently driving and she has hacking skills that would allow her to shut down the American government with a staple, piece of chewing gum and a rubber band. Fortunately in this scenario she has an iPad, which is plugged into… something… and she begins tapping away and telling us stories about “piggy-backing on a public server” and encrypted IPs. Then you have the whole matter of Voight’s fake Eastern European accent and by the end of the film I still don’t have any idea what his whole angle was.
While I was watching the action is so deathly dull I began wondering how annoyed Hawke must have gotten pretending in one scene after another to be in some sort of harrowing car chase as his only job in 95% of this 90 minute film is to sit behind a wheel. Meanwhile, in the passenger seat is the wet blanket that is Selena Gomez whose character’s sole purpose seems to be to annoy the audience. Success! The character may be written as if by a five-year-old, but Gomez’s performance makes it even worse.
Most of the action is the same thing over and over again, as Brent’s Shelby (the product placement with this car must have paid for the entire budget) smashes through one thing after another, destroys 90% of the Bulgarian police department’s vehicles and is constantly squealing around corners.
The only portion of the film worth celebrating is a brief, three minute (or so) sequence where all the sound drops out, Justin Caine Burnett‘s head-pounding score finally goes away and we watch a portion of the chase from the hood of the trailing car. All that can be heard is the power of the engine and it gives the impression director Courtney Solomon (Dungeons & Dragons) may actually know what he’s doing, but before this open road chase turns into something more faster paced, it’s back to the quick-cutting mayhem we go and the audience is forced to hit the “snooze” button once again.
The way the film ends I’m 99% positive freshman screenwriters Sean Finegan and Gregg Maxwell Parker had hopes it would be a hit and the open ending could be explored in a sequel, but as it is we’ll never see anything involving these characters again and for that we can only say, “Thank you.”
“NOW GO SMASH INTO ZAT FRUIT STAND!!!!!”
