The Worst Horror Films of 2011

It’s a shame that writing a “worst of the year” list flows a lot easier than writing a “best of,” but that is the nature of the beast in this genre.  I’ll try to make this as quick and painless as possible.  Here are my top five abominations, embarrassments, duds and disasters in horror 2011.  (For my “best of 2011” follow this link.)

1. Hisss:  The film’s greatest crime?  Being an amateurish, slapped together mess.  Scenes don’t make any sense, characters wander from location to location with questionable motivation and they certainly don’t act like human beings, the acting is terrible and the pacing is all over the place – a reflection of the apparent fighting director Jennifer Lynch had in the editing room with the financiers.  The film’s only saving grace is the brief seconds you see of the practical FX applied to Hisss’ snake woman beforeshe turns into a CGI abortion slithering around your screen.

2. Hellraiser: Revelations:  The film’s greatest crime?  Existing.  Here’s the introduction from my review… “To fully demonstrate just how low the cinematic world of Hellraiser has gone (yes, lower than Hellraiser: Hellworld), there’s a scene in Hellraiser: Revelations in which a young woman named Emma enters a living room and reads the definition of “cenobite” to her co-stars.This is the type of idiocy to be expected from a dim-witted remake, but the ninth entry in a series?  Shameful. A scene like this has been avoided in the franchise for over 20 years and the fact that it now exists, well, you hear that bell tolling in the distance? No, it’s not a puzzle box being opened. It’s the final death knell. Revelations is a canvas of atrocities splattered with overacting and dumbfounding drama that completely overshadows the fact that there are a few workable ideas in the story. But none of them are properly executed.”

3. Creature:  The film’s greatest crime?  Not having a lick of smarts.  Released on 1500 screens across the country, the film proved to be a tremendous box office bomb, forcing the director to take to the Internet and lambast the film’s critics.  But hey, we were right, dude.  Your film is insipid and silly.  You don’t know how to shoot your “man in a rubber suit” monster and you clearly don’t know how to end a film (in which the hero takes on the beast and wins…but you never see it).  Now that 2011 is over, can we stop giving this film so much press?

4. ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2:  The film’s greatest crime?  Smelling like overcooked ham and transitioning from one film, which was an exercise in the “stalk ‘n kill” formula, to another which presents a convoluted mess of a story.  The first Laid to Rest had its charms.  The killer was interesting and the kills were divine.  Old school simplicity at its finest, even though it had its faults.  The sequel broadens the scope, much to its detriment, introducing a slew of unnecessary characters and a sub-plot in which Brian Austin Green sets out to be just like the film’s eponymous killer.  Pretty tacky stuff here, kids.  But, the FX are still awesome, so that automatically makes the film awesome, right?  Right? Eh, whatever…rock ‘n roll, man!  Yeah, slaughter time!

5. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night:  The film’s greatest crime?  Being dull.  It really is too bad that America’s on-screen introduction to Italy’s top paranormal investigator has to be this snooze-fest.  Sure, there are a ton of monsters to behold, but there’s very little excitement or life in this story.  Sam Huntington – as an undead sidekick – struggles to elevate the material, but the film doesn’t click in any way.  Also, I take umbrage with any film of this ilk that doesn’t allow its main hero to directly save the day (here, Dylan is involved, but something major occurs off screen that truly resolves the story).  That’s just sloppy and reveals the screenwriters didn’t understand this character.

Dishonorable mentions:  Choose (a rip-off of every slasher we’ve ever seen), Super Hybrid (assinine concept and execution), The Bleeding (never hire your meathead personal trailer to be your star), The Last Lovecraft (painful and not particularly funny)