I didn’t want to watch it again, and I actually requested Jumper thinking I was going to do a live blog while watching it and make fun of it the whole time. Unfortunately I think all the snark has drained out of me recently and I am on snark recharge so I am going the more traditional review route.
I don’t like this movie. I didn’t like it when I did the theatrical review. I didn’t like it when I did my top ten “Questions ‘Jumper’ Doesn’t Want You to Ask“. I didn’t like it after watching it once on Blu-ray, or the second time with the pop-up feature, or the third time when I listened to the commentary play in the background while I worked. However, you can’t say I didn’t give this movie a chance. Then again, you could also say that by giving the film a second chance I found even more plot holes to pick at and
You see, outside of Sam Jackson’s hair color and the multitude of irrationalities and logic flaws I point out in my top ten there is a matter of the Rice family tree that has caught my attention and if you have seen the movie I am hoping you may have some insight.
First off, I asked, “When Roland (Sam Jackson) says ‘bring everyone’ why do they send ‘two people’?” It was already pointed out in the comments on my top ten that David’s (Hayden Christensen) mom, Mary (Diane Lane), was the one that said to only send two people. Okay, fine, ya got me. However, considering this society of Paladins, funded by some unnamed source, is able to track down people that teleport wouldn’t you think they would know who the parents of the teleporters were? Or is David’s mom that high up on the food chain that she is able to completely erase those records? And if that is so, why is there a deleted scene that shows Roland eye-balling a photo of Mary?
Moving beyond that, am I the only one that thought Griffin (Jamie Bell) was David’s brother? This would make Mary also Griffin’s mom and would explain why her photo was on the wall in Griffin’s lair and why Griffin shows any interest whatsoever in keeping tabs on David. Wouldn’t that be the only logical explanation why Griffin showed up at the Colosseum to help David against the two Paladins that were sent by Mary? Obviously Mary called him, told him what was going down and told him to help. Even the Paladins said it was almost like “he knew they were coming.” It is also why Griffin gives David goofy looks when he mentions his family.
SO, how come during the special making-of documentary does Jamie Bell say Roland killed Griffin’s parents?
There is one possibility that I can think of, but this just means that they really, really, really wanted to make a sequel to this film. I know director Doug Liman sees it as a trilogy, but this is going way out there. It doesn’t help in the aftermath that it only made $79 million on an $85 million budget and earned a 16% RottenTomatoes score.
Now, here is my thinking… And I can’t believe I am giving this shit movie this much thought, but it is how my brain works…
Griffin is David’s brother from a different father. Mary leaves David and his dad when he is very young to protect him. She realized he was a jumper and didn’t want to kill him so she bolted. She then hooked up with some British bloke and spawned what is to become Griffin, who also turns out to be a jumper (I wonder if Mary’s ovaries teleport).
Once Griffin is old enough she tells him the situation and uses him to help keep tabs on David. She teaches him how to fight against Paladins and survive. If you think this is farfetched because that would mean Mary gets around, I will simply point out that she also has a daughter (Kristen Stewart). Who’s the father? Who knows?
As much as the filmmakers stress in the docs on the Blu-ray that they wanted to root this film in reality it seems to me they forgot several details in their attempt to keep some plotlines hidden. The deleted scene featuring Roland looking at the picture of Mary is proof enough for me.
I should mention that I actually did have another idea of what could be the situation, but it seemed too “out there.” I was thinking perhaps Mary simply pays Griffin to help keep tabs on her son in exchange for protection, which is why he has lasted so long. Based on Griffin’s personality that just seemed like bullshit to me, so I dismissed it.
With all that mess out of the way, and if this even counts as a review, I can tell you now… Don’t watch this movie, but if you have
One final note, someone please tell Doug Liman that the Bourne franchise didn’t become legitimate until Paul Greengrass mopped the floor with the original with Bourne Supremacy. He also compares Jumper to Bond, which is quite the insult if you ask me.
