As usual, it was another full year of horror. What was the best we saw? It varies, but my list consists of films that really brought something to the table. And, as for the "worst": Why only a top 5 worst? Yes, I could name another 15 if I wanted to but let’s face it – we know most of the films that come out are bad. Not because they are cheap but because they are uninspired. My list here features films that are uninspired or flat out lie to you. Do you agree?
Other staff 2013 Picks: Managing Editor Ryan Turek / Contributing Writer Ryan Larson / Contributing Writer Paul Doro / Contributing Writer Spencer Perry
The Worst of 2013
- Texas Chainsaw 3D: Is it really that bad? Yes. The minute you set it up as a sequel to the original and then disregard it with sloppy narrative, you’ve lost the audience. Not only that, but the ages don’t make sense and they knew it. That makes it worse. What could have been the best chainsaw since the original has wound up being the worst. No small feat.
- V/H/S/2: V/H/S was new, different, and had some truly creepy characters and scenes. V/H/S/2 was just noise. The wraparound was lackluster and with no surprises. The stories were forgettable ("Phase 1 Clinical trials") or just plain blotted and chaotic ("Safe Haven"). The only bright spot for me was "Slumber Party Alien Abduction." That could be a movie all its own, instead, it’s just a tease of how this uninspired collection of shorts could have played out for the better.
- World War Z: What a waste of a good idea. World War Z is an overlong, bland, and self-important film. Brad Pitt is always good. No argument there. The problem is that it is a zombie film without feeling or looking like a zombie film. The poster and box art is so decidedly non-horror that it’s embarrassing. The story is more like Contagion or an episode of 24 than it is anything else. It really wanted to be big in its presentation and show stopping in its visuals. The problem is, it was too big for its own good, and because of that, it ended up small minded and unmemorable.
- Argento's Dracula 3D: Dario Argento stopped being interesting ages ago. He no longer has to prove himself so you get by the numbers storytelling. Are we expecting too much? Maybe. But any of our gripes with his directorial decisions are justified when he takes on a classic character. The Phantom of the Opera was a masterpiece compared to this lazy, nonsensical mess that manages to make even Dracula the series (from 1990) more inspired.
- Fright Night 2: What went wrong with Fright Night 2? For starters, it’s obviously not a sequel to the original. The thing is, it’s not a sequel to the remake either. Okay, what is it? Oh, it must be a prequel. Wrong again. It’s a reboot or remake of the remake or the original, or the original part 2 if there was no part 1. Confused? How do you think I felt? When the title alone lies to you, there is no place left to go but down.
Christopher Jimenez's Best of 2013
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#10
CONTRACTED: The biggest surprise for me this year. Contracted is chilling in a very real and every day kind of way. It works as a flat out horror film as well as a serious drama. Najarra Townsend is heartbreaking in her plight and simultaneously infuriating in her disregard of the situation. All of this and the most cringe-inducing sex scene of recent memory. This needs to be on your shelf.
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#9
KISS OF THE DAMNED: Xan Cassavetes returns the vampire to erotic form with her sensual tale of an obsessive and troubled man caught in the middle of two blood drinking sisters. The entire vampire society is presented as classy euro sophisticates that recall films like The Hunger. Couples horror in the sexiest sense of the word.
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Aftershock Movie Image 20
AFTERSHOCK: This Eli Roth-produced thriller is an exercise in exploitation. Sexy, goofy, and violent, it never lets up and keeps you guessing. The characters are not the most likeable, but hell, most people aren’t. No one is safe and once you accept that, you are in for one hell of a ride.
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#7
EVIL DEAD: We were so worried that was going to be a disaster that I think we love it more than it actually deserves to be loved. Regardless, the new Evil Dead was relentless in its horror and its mood and lighting are unmatched. Great film. And to those who complained that the characters are underdeveloped and the acting is bad, I say this: Watch that first film again. We don’t love it because it’s well-acted. We love it because it never stops entertaining us.
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#6
INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2: It’s rare that a sequel is better than the original, but in this case, you couldn’t do better. Sharp, daring and scary, this film is more of everything that worked well and less of everything that didn’t the first time.
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#5
MANIAC: Never has Los Angeles felt as lonely as it truly can be. The isolation, the coldness and anonymity are what fuel Frank Zito. This film is merciless in it violence and unrelenting in its push towards the inevitable unhappy ending. I mean that in the best way. It is as unsettling as it should be.
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#4
YOU'RE NEXT: This film is everything it set out to be. Scary. Violent. Funny, and most of all, surprising. Great twists by a great cast. This is not the just another home invasion film, it is one of the best! Not only that, but our final girl is, in my memory, the first to be given a real reason that she is such a survivor.
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#3
FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY: The Frankenstein legend resurfaces every couple of years in a new and increasingly boring incarnation. This film is the exception. Sharp, thrilling, and truly scary at times, this is a throwback in the sense that it takes the story and uses it to springboard the Doctor into new and daring territory.
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#2
THE CONJURING: James Wan’s solid ghost story takes everything he has learned so far and kicks it into overdrive. Creepy, but realistic atmosphere, strong performances, and the doll…MY GOD, THE DOLL!
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#1
STOKER: Horror can be presented many different ways and few have been more elegant than Stoker. Stoker is classy but not afraid to get its hands dirty. Every shot is a perfectly composed piece of art but it never alienates us the way it does India. This story and its presentation make the day to day so uncomfortable that we pray for release at the hands of murder. We side with India, not because she is cool or because we feel sorry for her. We simply can’t take the horror of her existence. Her retribution is more a relief for us than it is for her.
